Sunday, January 16, 2005

The perfect pastor

A recent survey has compiled all the qualities that people expect from the perfect pastor. Here we share some of them with you.

Results of a computerized survey indicated that the perfect pastor preaches exactly 12 minutes.

He frequently condemns sin but never upsets anyone.

He works from 8: a.m. until midnight and is also a janitor.

He makes $60 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $80 a week to the poor.

He is 28 years of age, and he's been preaching for 30 years.

He is wonderfully gentle and handsome.

He gives of himself completely but never gets too close to anyone lest he be criticized.

He speaks boldly on social issues, but must never become polically involved.

He has a burning desire to work with teenagers; he spends all his time with senior citizens.

He makes 15 calls daily on parish families, visits shut-ins and the hospitalized, spends all his time evangelizing the unchurched, and is always in his office when needed.

If your pastor does not measure up, simply send this letter to six other churches that are tired of their pastor too. Then bundle up your pastor and send him to the church at the top of this list. In one week you will receive 1,643 pastors; at least one of them should be perfect.

Have faith in this letter. One church broke the chain and got its old pastor back in less than 30 days.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

The words 'charismatic' and 'pentecostal' have passed their use-by dates

Two adjectives which seem to have passed their use-by dates are 'charismatic' and 'pentecostal'.

Where used as a noun, e.g. as part of a church name, 'Pentecostal' has some usefulness in that it describes a historic path through which that church (or family of churches) reached its present state.

However, as descriptors of a form of church life, I seriously doubt whether these two words any longer say very much. There are charismatics and non-charismatics within almost every church fellowship or grouping. It is now more a personality and lifestyle designator than anything theological. Many Baptist, Presbyterian, Orthodox, Roman Catholic, Churches of Christ, Anglican, etc., Christians freely exercise spiritual gifts and/or speak in tongues.

On the other hand, some Pentecostal churches appear to outsiders to be anything but charismatic (or 'pentecostal' in its original sense)! As is usual with distinct groups of people, eventually the very distinctives which made them different become the means by which the group becomes constrained or even controlled.

So, there has emerged a Pentecostal tradition which can be as rigid as any other historic Christian tradition. (I don't wish to over-generalise here - of course there also exist many fine Pentecostal churches whose people live in great freedom.) Given the freedom and life which should be at the very core of any movement characterised by the Holy Spirit, it seems paradoxical that this tradition so quickly became invested with a strong form of top-down, pastor-to-people control, and a theological hardness which persists even now that ministerial education of Pentecostal pastors is expected rather than discouraged.

The tradition which, at the turn of the 20th Century and on into the 1970s, was used by God to bring fresh life and power into the mainstream Western church, now seems so often to be wary, defensive, and to an increasing degree isolationist. And this at the time when the clear move of the Spirit is towards breaking down of barriers and the revealing of the one-church-in-the-city. In other words, rather than joining with us they have instead become just like us. I find this incredibly sad.

As a charismatic baptist pastor with a church full mainly of wounded people, and who knows the stresses that come with going against the mainstream of one's own tradition (or what that tradition has now become), I too have felt like one of my Pentecostal pastor friends when he said, "I feel like an alien in my own movement!"

May I encourage my Pentecostal brothers and sisters to not give up the battle. The freedom can be regained - that is what it means to be filled with the "wind which blows wherever it pleases" (John 3:8).

Managed Friendship

Does the following sound like some churches you've known?
 
Mal Dow
 
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Welcome to Managed Friendship, a whole new way of thinking about friends and relationships! The Managed Friendship Plan (MFP) combines all the advantages of a traditional friendship network, with important cost-saving features.

Q: How Does It Work?

A: Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened accredited Friendship Providers (FPs). All your friendship needs are met by members of your Managed Friendship Staff.

Q: What's Wrong with my Current Friends?

A: If you're like most people, you are receiving friendship services from a network of friendship providers haphazardly Patched together from your old neighborhoods, jobs, and schools. The result is often costly duplication, inefficiency, and conflict. Many of your current friends may not meet national standards, responding to your needs with inappropriate, outmoded, or even experimental acts of friendship. Under Managed Friendship, your friendship needs are coordinated by your designated Best Friend, who will ensure the quality and goodness of fit of all your friendly relationships.


Q: How Do I Know That the Plan's Panel of Friends Is Not Made Up of a Bunch of Losers Who Can't Make Friends on Their Own?

A: Many of today's most dedicated and highly trained Friendship Providers are as concerned as we are about delivering Quality Friendship in a cost-effective manner. They have joined our network because they want to focus on acting like a friend rather than doing the paperwork and paying the high bad-friendship premiums that have caused the cost of traditional friendship to skyrocket. Our Friendship Providers have met our rigorous standards of companionship and loyalty.


Q: What If I Need a Special Friend, Say, for Poker or Fishing?

A: Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary and expensive activities that burden already costly relationships. Under the Managed Friendship Plan, your Best Friend is qualified to pre-approve your referral to a Special Friend within the Managed Friendship Network should your needs fall outside of the scope of his/her friendship.

Q. Suppose I Want to See Friends Outside the Managed Friendship Network?

A. You may make friends outside of the Managed Friendship Network only in the event of a Friendship Emergency.


Q: What is a Friendship Emergency?

A: The Managed Friendship Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, even if you need a friend out of town, after regular business hours, or when your Best Friend is with someone else. You might be on a business trip, for instance, and suddenly find that you feel lonely. In such cases, you may make a New Friend, and all approved friendly activities will be covered under the Plan, provided you notify the Managed Friendship Office (or 24-hour Friendship Hotline) within two business days.


Q: What Friendly Activities Are Covered Under the Plan?

A: Friendly Activities that are typically covered include:

  • Agreeing with you
  • Appearing sympathetic
  • Chewing the fat
  • Dropping by
  • Feeling your pain
  • Gossiping
  • Hanging out
  • Holding your hand (up to 5 minutes per activity)*
  • Joshing
  • Kidding around
  • Listening to you whine
  • Partying
  • Passing the time
  • Patting your back
  • Ribbing
  • Sharing a meal
  • Shooting the breeze
  • Slinging the bull
  • Teasing

*up to 15 minutes under the Premium Gold Friendship Plan


Q: What Friendly Activities Are Not Covered Under the Plan?

A: Activities that would not be pre-approved include (but are not limited to):

  • Bar hopping
  • Bending over backwards
  • Drinking to excess
  • Giving a hoot
  • Going the extra mile
  • Lending money
  • Real empathy
  • Sexual favors
  • Truly caring
  • Using illicit drugs


Q: How Can I Find Out More About the Managed Friendship Plan?

A: A simple call is all it takes. If you need a friend, just call our toll-free number. Or visit our web site. Sign up for the Managed Friendship Plan and rest easier that all of your appropriate friendship needs will be met.


Q: Who Decides What's Appropriate for Me?

A: We do. Isn't that what friends are for?

Author Unknown

Crossing Over - a word from Rick Joyner

I found this word from Rick Joyner, about the significance of the tsunami disaster, a challenge. What do you think? - Mal.


Crossing Over
by Rick Joyner
January 10, 2005

The recent earthquake and tsunamis that struck so many countries in the Indian Ocean are taxing the whole world’s relief efforts. In human life lost, it will go down as one of the worst natural disasters in human history. It does have important prophetic significance that we need to understand, which is highlighted in Joshua 3:3-4,14-17:

"When you see the ark of the covenant of the Lord your God with the Levitical priests carrying it, then you shall set out from your place and go after it. However, there shall be between you and it a distance of about 2,000 cubits by measure. Do not come near it, that you may know the way by which you shall go, for you have not passed this way before."

So it came about when the people set out from their tents to cross the Jordan with the priests carrying the ark of the covenant before the people, and when those who carried the ark came into the Jordan, and the feet of the priests carrying the ark were dipped in the edge of the water (for the Jordan overflows all its banks all the days of harvest), that the waters which were flowing down from above stood and rose up in one heap, a great distance away at Adam, the city that is beside Zarethan; and those which were flowing down toward the sea of the Arabah, the Salt Sea, were completely cut off. So the people crossed opposite Jericho. And the priests who carried the ark of the covenant of the Lord stood firm on dry ground in the middle of the Jordan while all Israel crossed on dry ground, until all the nation had finished crossing the Jordan.

In Scripture, the Jordan River often represents death, which is why both Jesus and John the Baptist were baptized there. The Jordan River also empties into the Dead Sea. There was a reason why the Lord commanded the Ark of the Covenant to be carried across the Jordan “about” 2,000 cubits ahead of the rest of the people. The Ark represents Jesus and the cubits represent years. This was a prophetic statement that the Lord would pass through death to His Promised Land “about” 2,000 years before the rest of His people.

The Lord said that “...the harvest is the end of the age...” (Matthew 13:39), and we read in Joshua 3:15 that “...the Jordan River overflows all its banks all of the days of harvest.…” This speaks of how death will be overflowing all of its banks all of the days of the harvest, which is the end of the age. Because of this, we can expect natural and human disasters to increase during the coming times.

As all of the Lord Jesus’ own prophecies concerning these times make very clear, we are coming to the greatest times of trouble the world has ever known. However, the good news is, if we have built our lives on the kingdom which cannot be shaken, we will not only survive what is coming, but we will prevail and prosper. This is actually the time when the church is going to cross over and begin to possess its Promised Land.

At the same time, we must understand that at the very time that such great troubles are going to be coming upon the world that “the Jordan River overflows all of its banks.” Christians who are walking in the ways of the Lord are going to prosper more than they ever have before. The present world systems may be shaking, but if we are abiding in the Lord we are on a Rock that simply cannot be shaken. However, our prosperity is not so that we can live luxuriously, but so that we can help the desperate.

In Joshua 3:16,we are told that the waters of the Jordan “…which were flowing down from above stood and rose up in one heap, a great distance away at Adam.” This could have been translated that the waters of the Jordan “were rolled back all the way to Adam.”It was no accident that this little town was named “Adam,” just as there are no accidents anywhere in Scripture. When God’s people begin to pass through this baptism in the Jordan, entering into a life which truly takes up the cross every day, dying to ourselves so we can be alive to Him, we will begin possessing the promises of God that we are called to inherit. Death will then be rolled back all the way to Adam! All of the death that was the consequence of the Fall will be turned back.

There is much to be said about this, but for this week we must understand that death will be overflowing “all of its banks” during the time of the harvest. We must prepare ourselves for increasingly great natural and manmade disasters, as we get closer to the end of this age. We will need to learn to cope with death all around us and keep on functioning. Just as no general is likely to be successful if he is overly concerned about casualties, we too will have to learn to cope with death all around us, not being overly given to grieving or mourning the dead, in order to save the living from an even greater, eternal disaster.

The prophecies of these times are fearful for those who are not abiding in the Prince of Peace. Even so, we are entering the times that even the prophets of old desired to see. We must understand that problems are coming, and to avoid looking for them because they make us uncomfortable or fearful is to live in deception. Those who have built their lives on the kingdom have nothing to fear. Those who have not will have much to fear, and it is better for them to fear than to go on in their delusions and be in the terrible jeopardy those delusions keep them in. Therefore, we want to see these things for what they are, and be prepared not to just survive, but to save many others.

Israel’s inheritance was the land, and they dispossessed the people who were on it. Our inheritance, which is also the Lord’s, is the people. Even though the Jordan will be overflowing its banks, and death will be all around us, the power of His indestructible life will be flowing through us to reap the greatest harvest that the world has ever known. We must not sleep or be distracted while the treasure of the earth is ripe for reaping.

Sunday, January 09, 2005

History of Medicine

I found this while researching material for one of my websites

I have an earache:

* 2000 B.C. -Here, eat this root.
* 1000 A.D. -That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
* 1850 A.D. -That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
* 1940 A.D. -That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
* 1985 A.D. -That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
* 2000 A.D. -That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

- Author Unknown

Regards

Mal Dow